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I hate myself. I hate myself so much it hurts. Just looking at the disgusting image of my face makes me want to scrape it off. I hate this face. I’d use my hands to take my face off if I didn’t have a fear of blood and a low pain tolerance. Ï wish I was pretty, so then the eyes of others would want to look at me, not find a reason to look away. I wish I was tall, so I could tower above the thoughts of others. I wish I wasn’t in this horrible body. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate me.

~~~

Again, I wake up from a restless night of sleep. The bags of fatigue under my eyes only seem to worsen. I wish I could trade the bags under my eyes for bags full of clothes to travel to some far away place. I wonder when I will be asked “Who hit you?” thinking the burden under my eyes are black from fists. No. They’re not, they’re black only from the abusive thoughts keeping me up at night.

Getting ready is a bitch, mostly because I can’t seem to pull myself from the warm burrito of blankets comforting me. I pretend they’re keeping me hostage, trying to protect me. Whispering “No, it’s fine. You don’t have to go to school. The outside world is cold, here it is warm. Stay, stay, stay…”

When I finally manage to wrestle my way out, I realize I forgot to do laundry, again. I manage to find a sweater two sizes too large, but not too warm, and the comfiest black sweat pants, the kind that gathers tightly at your ankle. I like those.

I somehow manage to stumble out of the house, my mom put a banana on the counter. I knew she wanted me to eat it, so I grabbed it. I didn’t eat it though. On my way walking to my bus stop I tossed it into the woods. I wish I could easily discard my feelings like how I discarded the banana into the woods. All I can seem to do these days is wish.

It’s freezing, it must be at least 30 degrees out. Not to mention the sun hasn't even risen. Everything feels so creepy, so eerily silent I'm scared to even breathe. It’s only when I start coughing, fighting for air that i realize that I was holding my breath. When I breathe now, it’s even. Puffs of white air come and go in the night of the morning. I start imagining that I’m secretly a dragon girl. My parents are just protecting me, until I become the next dragon princess. And then, everyone will love me. This is ridiculous. What am I, a ten-year old? I think. Even though I know this is ridiculous, I wish it were true.Then this horrible reality wouldn’t exist. I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

I only hate myself and this world more now.

The faux leather seats of the bus are colder than it is outside. I’m shivering more now, and wishing I never left me burrito of heat more too. The bus rattles and shakes like my bones and I’m tossed about, like some flimsy old doll at every pothole, stop, or turn.  Take me home, take me home, take me home, take me home, take me home… I chant in my head, repeatedly. I hope it’s a magic spell. Maybe I have some super power or I’m a witch or something and I’ll actually get to go home. But of course nothing happens except my hopes being beaten to death. I feel more stepped on than before, or maybe I don’t. I can’t tell with that sort of thing anymore. Now the only thing to look forward to is the end of the day, then I can escape into the library and blend in with all the books. Then I can throw myself into some other world that isn't my own, the one I live in. the one I don't want to exist in.

I think I’m starting to go crazy. Maybe I already was crazy, from the moment I was born. But I don’t care. The only thing left waiting for me in this world is death.
I decided to partly redo blue, so don't be surprised when you get awkward notifications about it. So, uh, yeah.

1. Your boy side

[x] You love hoodies. 
[x] You love jeans. 
[ ] Dogs are better than cats. (I like them equally)
[/] It’s hilarious when people get hurt. (Most of the time)
[ ] Shopping is torture
[ ] Sad movies suck 
[x] You own a car racing game. (Like 4 haha)
[ ] You played with hot wheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a ds, ps2, n64, or sega. (xbox360, ds, dsi, 3ds, wii, gamecube, nintendo64, nintendo color)
[ ] You used to be obsessed with power rangers. 
[x] You have watched sports on tv.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[/] You go to your dad for advice. (Depends.)
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps. 
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards. 
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear. (SWEAT PANTS ARE THE BEST)
[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. 
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors. 
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think. 
[ ] Sports are fun.
[ ] You talk with food in your mouth. 
[ ] You sleep with your socks on at night. 
[X] You have fished at least once.

10

2. Your girl side

[x] You love to shop. (IT'S MY LIFE) 
[x] You wear eyeliner. (I will, but not all of the time.)
[x] You wear the color pink.
[/] You go to your mom to talk. (More often than my dad, but yeah)
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport. (*cheer-leading)
[ ] You hate wearing the color black. 
[x] You like going to the mall. (*love)
[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] You like wearing jewelry. 
[ ] You cried watching the notebook
[x] Dresses are a big part of your wardrobe. 
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies. 
[ ] You don’t like the movie star wars. 
[x} You are/were in gymnastics. 
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should. 
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like. (you should care, just don't stress about it though.)
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can. 
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes. 
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid. (every little girl does)
[x] You like putting make-up on others. 
[ ] You like being the star of everything.

17.5

3. Appearance 

[ ] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[ ] I have many scars. 
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. 
[ ] I have a tattoo. 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. 
[ ] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings. (one on each ear)
[ ] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

3

4. Experiences

[ ] I’ve gotten lost in my city. 
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star. 
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star. (you have to) 
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower. 
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas. (pajama day guys)
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator. (haha...ha)
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts. (my brother haha) 
[ ] I’ve been to a casino. 
[ ] I’ve been skydiving. 
[ ] I’ve gone skinny-dipping. 
[ ] I’ve drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour. 
[ ] I’ve crashed a car. 
[x] I’ve been skiing. 
[x] I’ve been in a musical. 
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue. 
[ ] I’ve seen the northern lights. 
[ ] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night. (I wish)
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone. 
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I’ve seen the rocky horror picture show. 
[x] I’ve eaten sushi. (SUSHI IS MY LIFE)
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.

11

5. Relationships

[x] I’m single. 
[ ] I’m in a relationship. 
[ ] I’m engaged. 
[ ] I’m married. 
[ ] I miss someone right now. 
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced. 
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t. (IT'S A LONG STORY OKAY.)
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

2

6. Honesty/Crime

[ ] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t. 
[ ] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t. 
[ ] I’ve snuck out 
[ ] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am. 
[ ] I’ve cheated while playing a game. 
[ ] I’ve run a red light. 
[ ] I’ve witnessed a crime. 
[ ] I’ve been in a fist fight. 
[ ] I’ve been arrested.

0

7. Death and suicide

[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals. 
[x] I’ve seen someone/something dying. 
[x] Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide. 
[x] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

4

8. Random

[/] I can sing well (I sing but I don't think I sing well.)
[ ] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant. 
[x] I open up to others easily. 
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don’t kill bugs.
[ ] I sing in the shower. 
[ ] I am a morning person. 
[ ] I paid for a cell phone ring tone. 
[ ] I am a sports fanatic. 
[x] I twirl my hair. 
[x] I care about grammar. 
[ ] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day. 
[x] I bake well. (I WANT TO BE A PASTRY CHEF OBVIOUSLY I BAKE WELL GUYS)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange. 
[x] I would wear pajamas to school. (pajama day)
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. 
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun. 
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (all the time, by myself...)
[ ] I eat fast food weekly. (I WISH)
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still gotten an A in a certain class. (so true)
[x] I can’t sleep if there is a spider/cockroach in the room. (I'm still laughing at the fact that it says cock)
[x] I am ticklish. 
[ ] I love white chocolate. 
[ ] I bite my nails. (I thought nails said balls)
[ ] I’m good at remembering faces. 
[ ] I’m good at remembering names. 
[ ] I’m good at remembering dates. 
[x] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (I have ideas but, honestly there is so much)
[x] All my answers were totally honest.
12.5

..........................................................................................................................................

[x] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish
[ ] You own a designer purse
[ ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[x] You had/have fake nails (the ones from walmart haha)
[x] You have more hair products and body products than you can use
[ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything
[ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet 
[/] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp (not that much but a lot)
[ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[x] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets (my mom painted my room pnk when I was a kid, but I want a different color)
Total:  4.5

Do you:
[x] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work
[ ] Have had a hair color that is not natural
[x] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day (all the day)
[x] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it
[x] Constantly keep your phone at your side 'for emergencies' (WHAT IS I GOT LOCKED OUT? HUH)
Total: 4
                                                                                               
[x] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home 
[ ] Have a name for your car 
[ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week 
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"
Total: 1

Do you love:
[x] Makeup 
[x] Glitter
[x] The color Pink (I LOVE ALL COLORS)
[x] Jewelry 
[ ] Chick flicks 
[x] Shoes 
[x] Rainbows 
[x] Unicorns 
[x] Disney Movies  
[x] Flowers 
[x] Stuffed Animals 
[ ] Purses 
Total: 10

Do you shop at:
[/] Coach (I've been in their stores)
[x] Forever 21
[x] Victoria's Secret 
[x] Guess
[x] Claire's
[x] Express
[x] Delia's
[x] Hollister
[x] American Eagle
[x] Abercrombie Fitch
[x] Aeropostale

Total: 10.5

Do you say:
[x] Whatever
[x] Oh my gosh/goodness
[ ] Hun
[ ] Fugly
[x] That's hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Bff 
[ ] Cutie
[ ] Hottie
[ ] Skank
[x] Totally
[ ] For Sure
[x] Fabulous 
Total: 5

Do you read:
[ ] Cosmopolitan
[x] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle Girl
[x] Teen Vogue
[ ] People
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[x] Seventeen
[ ] people.com
[ ] usmagazine.com
[ ] popsugar.com
[ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com
Total: 3

Do you love these:
[x] Legally Blonde
[ ] Elizabethtown
[ ] Mean Girls 
[ ] Now & Then
[ ] The Notebook
[ ] A Walk to Remember
[ ] Sweet Home Alabama
[ ] Where the Heart is
[ ] Just my luck
[ ] John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Center stage
[ ] Bring it On
[ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[ ] Mona Lisa Smile
[ ] My Girl
[ ] Wedding Date
[x] 10 Things I Hate About You
Total: 2 (I only saw those 2 movies haha)

Do you really enjoy:
[x] America's Next Top Model (It's really funny)
[ ] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple Life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] The City
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[ ] Gilmore Girls
[ ] Degrassi
Total:  2

Now multiply it by two
Post as "I am ___% girly" 

177%

(I think I did that wrong, but I just added up all of the answers and then subtracted from the boys portion...that makes no sense haha)

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MercyisRussia
MercyisRussia
Artist | Student | Other
United States
Hi. I'm Mercy. I'm a model and actress. I like to write. Anime is great. Yeah. Cool. Bye.
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:iconthedraconicbard:
TheDraconicBard Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy birthday!!! I hope you had a great day and got lots of presents and cake :tighthug:
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:iconmercyisrussia:
MercyisRussia Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student Artist
I haven't been on in a while, but this made my day! Thank you :iconnagisasmileplz:
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:iconthedraconicbard:
TheDraconicBard Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student General Artist
Aww, I'm glad! ^^
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:iconmercyisrussia:
MercyisRussia Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student Artist
Llama Emoji-23 (Shyness) [V1] 
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:iconxcrackedxbutterflyx:
XCrackedxButterflyX Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave! :)
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:iconmercyisrussia:
MercyisRussia Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Student Artist
Your welcome!
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:iconimyourhero213:
ImYourHero213 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there~ grinfaceplz 

Thank you so much for the favorite on 'Queen of Epicness' ! :heart: I'm still new to Deviant Art, but I've got a few more reader-inserts to post here. Most are already on my FanFiction account. I'm still writing new ones, so I'll probably post one every week or so (: Maybe you'll enjoy those too~?

Thanks again for reading Prussia's! 

:iconsexyprussiaplz::iconsaysplz:Hey youuuu! Don't forget you owe me a second date, my Queen! ...No? Oh ja ja, I see how it is~ Little Pixel Heart 
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:iconmercyisrussia:
MercyisRussia Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Student Artist
That is probably the very comment I have ever seen! Haha
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:iconimyourhero213:
ImYourHero213 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wait, the what? XD 
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:iconmercyisrussia:
MercyisRussia Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student Artist
I accidentally took a word out hahahah. I was just saying I really liked your comment!
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